you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
false alarm. still invincible.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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