highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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