Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
