jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
