I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
