Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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