You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
