like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need to calm my uterus...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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