At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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