Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
