i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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