So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
