there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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