ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
