It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize