this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
