was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
