Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
