This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
