It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
