New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
