Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
