I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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