That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
