We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
