i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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