found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
