Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
