I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
