Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
