the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
