If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
