just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
