Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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