If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
