last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
