ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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