If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
