I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
