I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Too much gin, very little bucket
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
