There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize