Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
