so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize