Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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