We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize