There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
