My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize