anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
