The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
