Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
