We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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