non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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