I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
