Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
