Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I can't turn off my feet"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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