Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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